DON ' T OPERATE THIS BUTTON UNLESS YOU ARE ABOVE 18 YEARS OF AGE AND WANT TO READ NAUGHTY JOKES

NEW
 

    Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central
Standard Time, Saradra Santa Singh inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to
Chicago.
 

"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in
Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
 

"Would you repeat that, please?"  Santa  asked.
 

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"
 

"Oye ,No yaar,," said Santa , "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records
as dictated by physicians.
 

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track
of what you're doing. The week's a freebie."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a
stud  bull"

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter
to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?"
he asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove
to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

St. Peter answered, "He's somewhere in Haryana keeping company with the farmer's wife while he is away match fixing"

It's election time and G.W. Bush decided to go out to the local
reservation and try to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.

GW had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

Bush was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, GW was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.Since he was raised in Texas, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya!"

The world is coming to an end in three days, and God wants to warn the world.So he decides to bring the three most important people into Heaven so they can relay the massage.  He calls up Shekhar Suman, Bill Clinton and Bhayyaji (u Know who!), and tells them the story.
 

When they get back down Clinton calls a Press conference and tells the country:  "I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is there is a god, and the bad news is the world is coming to an end in three days."

Shekhar Suman calls a meeting at The Humor Network and tells them, "I have some bad news and some worse news.  The bad news is I'm not really god,some other guy is; and the worse news is that the world is coming to an end in three days."

Then Bhayyaji gets on the 'net and e-mails his company:  "Hey guys, guess what; I have some good news and some great news!  The good news is even God thinks I'm one of the three most important people in the world.  The great news is I don't have to come in to make any more statements on how much more loss we will make next quarter !!

This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using paper and a
pen.

Try it - it's weird...... (don't cheat)

 Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Another
 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

 (scroll down for answer)

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>>> Did you get 5000?
>>>
>>> The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your
>>> calculator!
>>>
>>> The decimal sequence confuses our brain, that always jumps to the
highest  decimals (100s instead of 10s).

Santa Singh went to a  grocery stores  collected the grocery and    came to the counter and person at the counter  started preparing bill  for  the items. Singh asked  " Where is the fat ?"  The person didn't   understand    what Singh was saying and said  "Excuse me  sir, FAT???"
Santa : "Yes Fat, Give me the fat" .He started shouting and arguing   with the person and all people gathered and  Manager of that grocery  stores came there and asked Sardar about the  problem.
Then Santa said "Hey Manager look, I took a  yogurt from your stores and  it was written 'FAT FREE' on that  but this  guy is not giving me the   fat.

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as
though he'd just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How
could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked
for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes -
any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two Maarsaalekos"

"What's a Maarsaaleko?" asked the woman.

"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said,
'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my
club poised, he screamed out 'Maarsaaleko!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed
the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one
swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball while waiting for that second Maar_Saale_Ko"

(From A. Muthusamy, SAIL, Delhi)

A very clever piece of arithmetic. It only takes 30
seconds.
Work this out as you read.
 Don't read the bottom until you 've worked it out!
 It is really good & it works for everyone!
 1. First of all, pick the number of days that you would  like to work in the week.
 2. Multiply this number by 2.
 3. Add 5.
 4. Multiply it by 50.
 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1750.
 If haven't, add 1749.
 6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.

 You should now have a three-digit number:
 The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., the
 number you chose at the beginning).
 The second two digits are your age and it shows.
 This is the only year (2000) it will ever work, so spread it
 around while it lasts.
 Impressive isn't it?

Little Ramesh was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she
heard:
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing
math. Ramesh  remarked that his teacher Sarla miss taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.  The
next day she stormed into Little Ramesh's classroom and confronted Ms.
Sarla.  Little Rameshe's mother told Ms. Sarla about Ramesh's different way
of doing math and his claims that Ms. Sarla taught it that way to the
class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand
why Ramesh had said what he did.

Then suddenly, Ms Sarla exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we
say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

New Medical terms from Laaloo Bhadav Medical University
 

Artery         Study of Paintings

 Bacteria       Back door to cafeteria

 Barium         What to do when treatment fails

 Bowels         Letters like A,E,I,O,U

 Cat scan       Searching for kitty

 Colic          Sheep dog

 Coma           punctuation mark
 

 D & C          Where Washington is

 Enema          Mother of foe

 Impotent       Distinguished; well known

 Labor pain     Getting hurt at work

 Nitrate        Cheaper than day rate

 Node           Was aware of (past tense of Know)

 Outpatient     fainted

 Pap smear      fatherhood test

 Pelvis         Cousin of Elvis

 Prostate       Flat on your back

 Protein        Favoring young people

 Seizure        Roman emperor

 Tumor          An extra pair

 Urine          Opposite of "you're out"

 Varicose       Located near by
Have a Wonderful Wednesday!

"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw
his down in one gulp.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and
immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she
spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm
out enjoying myself every night!"

WWW.Counter.com

There are three types of fools , those who can count and those who cannot....................

Gurucool.com ??!!
(From R.C.Sharma,USA...sharma@gdls.com)

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each  child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

 Their insight may surprise you.

 Better to be safe than.........................Punch the teacher

 Strike while the ..............................   Cockroach is near

 Never underestimate the power of.........Termites

 You can lead a horse to water but.........how?

 Don't bite the hand that........................ looks dirty

 No news is...........................................impossible

 A miss is as good as a..........................Mr.

 You can't teach an old dog new............ways to run SAIL

 Love all, trust........................................me

 An idle mind is.............................The best way to relax

 Where there's smoke there's..................pollution

 A penny saved is...................................not much

 Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you can avoid for ever

 Children should be seen and not.............spanked or abused

 If at first you don't succeed...................get new batteries

 When the blind lead the blind..................you know you are either in Bihar or in Ispat Bhawan

 And the favorite:...Better late than...................pregnant

Different professions define the same word in different
ways:

 Software professionals

A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Professor of Algebra:

A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Professor of Geometry:

A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Professor of Physics:

A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Professor of Chemistry:

A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Professor of Zoology:

A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Professor of Physiology:

A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.

Professor of Dentistry:

A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Professor of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Professor of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Professor of Statistics:

A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of
36-24-36.

Professor of Philosophy:

A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and
homage for the old.

Professor of English:

A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than
proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Steelwalas :

UH ? We are not familiaer with that term.

(For more details, press the button, you creep !!)

The Bad Day

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-hour.

Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.  The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink.  I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life.  First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting.  My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the  cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left  home and came to this bar.  When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

Season Ticket

On the first day of college, the Principal addresses the students, pointing
out some of the rules:

"The women's dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the men's dormitory to the female students.  Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined Rs200 for the first offense."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule a second time will be
fined  Rs600. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of Rs 1000.  Are
there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a
season pass?"

From Mohajit Mazumdar, the newest member of our mafia!

STATISTICS are  like a Bikini,because what they  reveal is interesting but what they  hide is vital.

A  question of Guarantee

I bought a set of  knives for only three easy payments of Rs30.00( from a Sindhi owned mail order  house)  and they came with a lifetime guarantee.  When the handles fell off, I returned the knives with my lifetime guarantee asking for a refund.

The Sindhi mail order supplier  wrote back saying, "The guarantee was for the lifetime of the nives.Obviously, the knives are dead, so the guarantee is no longer valid."

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "quit while you're ahead"?

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bhagwad Geetha a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. they were cramming for their finals.

* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...Toothpicks?

* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

* Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

* How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?

* How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Model answers given to Students in Laoo Badav University.

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you
expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of India."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is upper caste or lower caste."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

Expert on Children

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten Great-grandchildren in Boston.  Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

During the heat of the Space race in the 1990's, the Pakistan Aeronautics and Space Administration needed something to write with in the zero gravity confines of its space capsule, just in case they managed to send up a space vehicle..

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.

India, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

The easy Payment Plan:

A window salesman phoned a customer.  "Hello, Sardar Santa Singhji," said the sales
rep.  "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your
house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you
still haven't sent us a single payment."

Santa replied, "But oye,bhai saab,you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months."

God helps those who help themselves.

70-year old Banta Singh went for his annual physical. All of his
tests came back with normal results.

The doctor said, "Banta, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace
with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

Banta replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the
middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light
goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."

"Wow!" commented the good doctor, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Banta's wife, Chameli.

"Chameli" he said, "Banta is doing fine. Physically he's
great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then
when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"

Chameli exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"

• "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
• "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
• "I was working smarter -- not harder."
• "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
• This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
• "I'm in the management training program."
• "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you sent me to.
• "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
• "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. You discriminate against people practising yoga?"
• "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
• "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
• "It worked well for Deve Gowda, didn't it?"
• "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
• "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to remove contact lens without my hands."
• "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him: "God when  shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton."
God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your  lifetime."
Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying  and goes away..........

 Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by  Pakistan."
 God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your  lifetime."
 Hearing this, Gen Parvez Musharaff starts  crying  and goes away...........

 Lallo Yadav visits God and asks him: "God when  shall I see Bihar   a prosperous and happy state ....?

 Hearing this, God starts crying.   Lallo is astounded and asks: "God, why are you  crying?"
 God replies: "Son, I will not see it in my  lifetime"

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

 Santa goes out for a walk. He comes to a river and sees Banta on the
  opposite bank.
 "Yoohoo" he shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
  Banta looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You
  are already on the other side."

From  friend Albert Joseph. Saudi Arabia
 

A little bird was flying south for the winter when it suddenly became so cold the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field.  While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped a huge pile of dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung,the bird began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!He lay there warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Discovering that it was a bird under a pile of cow dung, he promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

•  Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
•  Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
•  When you’re happy and in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

Reflections of a great Savant

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Signs of the Times:
 

"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Raymond's Stores in Calcutta:
 "25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

In the window of an Jamshedpur store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."

Regression Analysis
 

A motorist, driving by a Haryna farm, hit and killed a calf that was
crossing the road.  The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained
what had happened.  He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about Rs 200 today," said the  farmer.  "But in six years it would have
been worth Rs 900.  So Rs 900 is what I want.

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for Rs 900.  It's postdated six years from now."

The Wake up call

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Santa went to bed not
speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mrs Santa..
 left a note on her husband's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mrs Santa awoke at ten the following morning and rolled
stiffly out of bed to see a note signed by Santa on her bedside table: "It's six, you bum!
Get out of bed!"

From: Jose Mathew, Rourkela

A local business was looking for office help.   They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED.  Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual.  We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.  He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.  The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.  The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.  By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!

He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities.  However, I still can't give you the job." The manager said, "As you must have observed,our ad  also says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."

Seen on the back of a truck in Jamshedpur.

    Sau mein Ninnyanve Baiman
    Phir bhi Bharat mera mahan

(Translation; Ninety nine out of 100 are crooks, yet my India is great !!)

Laaloo in Hawai

Laalooji was on his own private beach in Hawaii. He didn't know how to
swim but got to close to the edge and fell in. Hearing his cries for help
a surfer comes and saves him. "Son, I'll give you anything you want, even
this beach if you want it," said Laaloo

"Well, I'd like to be buried here by the ocean," said the surfer.

"Why are you worried about death, you have your whole life ahead of you,"
Laaloo asks.

"Well, because my Dad is going to kill me if he heard I saved Laaloo"

From a Room Service telephone in Tokyo

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye...Ruin  Sharbhees...morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"
G: "Uh...yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What?"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes?"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'  Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Any shoe dish pleeeje
G: "No thanks,

Banta and his wife were  trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Rabindra Nath Tagore "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Tagore,. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Tollygunge.

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. I am sick of this ignorance of yours.

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Tagore  take the No. 5 bus to Tollygunge? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Tollygunge  but to Howrah ?

Head lines in Economic times of 30th July 2000.

Bihar not worst financially-managed state
 

LALOO may continue to rule the roost in Bihar but the much-maligned state is definitely not the worst in terms of financial management. 

Punjab’s Prakash Singh Badal, Orissa’s Naveen Patnaik, Bengal’s Jyoti Basu and Uttar Padesh’s Ram Praksh Gupta are much deeper into the financial jam. 

Vasudaiva Kutumbam

Our great Neta who is not particularly good at English was invited by the US government to visit USA. His chelas wanted their great Neta to put his best foot forward. So they decided to give him a few tips." Netaji, As soon as you see Clinton, say, 'How are you?" Clinton will reply "Fine and ask in return, and You?" You should then say " Me too". That is it.""

Netaji repeated this to himself a million times from the moment he left Patna till he landed in Washington.He was soon brought to the famous Oval office to meet Bill Clinton. Instead of saying, " How are you?", our neta said , " Who are you ?". Clinton was taken aback a little but being the charmer that he is, replied, " Why Netaji, I am Clinton, husband of Hillary and father of Chelsea. And you ?"

Netaji replieed with a big smile beaming through his pan stained mouth, " Me too !!"

Take no chances

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit
a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While
standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this
whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown,
head-over-heels, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly
hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the
nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an
unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes
into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert
man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when
they're small."

India can top the list with little effort
From: Mr P.C.Jha (ET 30/7/2000)

Sir: Transparency Internationale rankings place India as the 28th most corrupt country in the world. This is a shame. Why can’t we excel at least in one field and top the list. There is no hope of ever storming the honesty charts, so we should concentrate our energies on out stripping our corrupt competitors.

The chief vigilance commissioner, N Vittal’s strategy to curtail corruption is a thankless task, as there are plethora of stagnant pools in our system which breeds corruption mosquitoes at an alarming pace. Without doubt honesty is the best policy. Every person should be honest enough to know to what extent he is corrupt. What is the use of discussing the principle of honesty? It is a meaningless exercise, given the current environment. It would profit the country more to draw up a professional set of principles of dishonesty. Such a code would be of immense help to the common man. Who is forced to bribe, to get even the smallest task accomplished. Whether it is procuring a licence or getting his monthly ration or putting his child in to school

Ed Steelindia: Great Jhaji, Great !

New Element discovered:

From PQRSTUV.Rao

Government scientists have previously announced the discovery of a  new element, the heaviest element one yet isolated. The new name Administratium and symbol Ad has been accepted by the scientific community.  Now the influence of morons and peons on this unique  element are more fully understood, as indicated below.

 Administratium has no protons or electrons, yielding an atomic  number of 0.  It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant  neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for  an atomic mass of 312.  These 312 particles are held together by a moronic force field, which is surrounded by vast quantities of  lepton-like particles called peons.

 Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years  although it does not decay.  Instead it undergoes a reorganization  in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and  assistant vice neutrons exchange places.  In fact, the mass of a  sample of Administratium will actually increase over time, since  with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become  neutrons, forming new isotopes.

 This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to  speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a  certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to  as the "Critical Morass."

 Since Administratium has no electrons, it is chemically inert. However, it can be detected since it impedes any reaction with
 which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium can delay any reaction by a factor of a million or more.  A reaction that would normally take a second or two under the effects of  trace quantities of Admisistratium can take upwards of two weeks  to complete.

 Unnamed sources close to the announcement assured the conference  that, "You'll know it when you see it."

.

A Letter of Recommendation

From Jose mathew , Dasturco, Rourkela

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob
can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot
be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob
be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will
be sent away as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Project Leader

 The following Memo was soon sent following "The Letter"

That stupid dolt was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent
to you earlier today. Kindly read every second line (i.e.. 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,
 for my true assessment of him.

Regards,

Derek Crabb
Project Leader

PS:

For your convienience, I give below the version as I mean it to be read :

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
sent away as soon as possible.
 
 
 

Santa, Banta and Janta Inc

(From M.R.Bharath. NFCL. Hyderabad)

A policeman was interrogating Santa, Banta and Janta  who were training to  become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect,he shows  a picture for 5 seconds first to Santa and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

 Santa answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast  because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture  shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the  picture for 5 seconds Banta and asks him, "This is your
 suspect, how would you recognize him?"

Banta giggles, flips his hair and says, "Ha!  He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of  course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a  picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

 Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to Janta and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before  giving me a stupid answer."

Janta looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,  "Hmmmm .... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't  know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

 He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file  in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

 "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear  contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute  observation?"

 "That's easy,"  Janta explains triumphantly,. "He can't wear regular glasses  because he only has one eye and one ear."
 

Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father
gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING...."You are going to get it when we
get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you!.... Don't talk back to me"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break
your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..."If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling
test, you'll never get a good job.

7. My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know
when you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off you toes,
don't come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX...."How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS..."You're just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a
barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE..."When you get to be my age,
you will understand.

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I
hope they turn out just like you..... Then you'll see what its like.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Jose Mathews, Rourkela
 

In this age of Take Overs and Acquisitions................

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"
 

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous
international institute of answering machine answers:
 

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you just as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.   So leave a
message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get  back to you.

A is for academics, B is for beer.  One of those reasons is why we're not
here.  So leave a message.

Hi.  This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you  are my friends, you
owe me money.  If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to.  If you leave
message, I call you soon.  If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with  oneof these
magnets."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need surf, windows, holiday packages or a hot tub, and  their carpets
are clean.  They give to charity through their office and  do  not need
their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name  and number
and they will get back to you"

"Hi.  I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave
a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we probably aren't home
and it's safe to leave us a message."
 

Viva La difference

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profits
Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
Woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Successful man makes more money than his wife can spend.
Successful woman is one who finds such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

Woman marries a man expecting he will change,  but he doesn't.
Man marries a woman expecting she won't change, and she does.

Married men live longer than single men;
however,they are also more willing to die.

Married men should forget about their mistakes.
No point in two people remembering the same thing.

Woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 

>>> >>Amen to this!

Our great Laalooji has made a very profound statement yesterday that Computers are not suited to India. When asked for his comments ,Bill Gates said he agreed and  recounted the following serious conversation he had with the great intellectual :

Gates (G) : Hi! you must have heard of Windows.
Laaloo(L) : Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.

G : At home have u installed Windows?
L : I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our
house.
G:  (Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
L : OPERATION ? Yes I had a Hernia operation last month.
G: (Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
L:Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are
sleeping under the net.
G : By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
L : We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
G: (Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Lallo : My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
G: (Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot
about RAM and ROM.
L: RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available
in A.P..
G(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system
crashes.
L : I have exhuasted all my leave

G: OK Let us have a bite.
L: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
G:  Oh my God, Hang me Laaloo !!:(:(
 
 

Alibaba story:

Written on the back of a car by a frustrated Citzen, possibly looking at our "leaders" and their values:

               " Lucky  fellow  that guy, Alibaba !!??  He had to deal with ONLY 40 thieves "

From the Ed: Steelindia:

Miss those funny pages !!?? Not to worry, They are all there in a new page called , Chitrabhaar from today, the 9th of July. Click on Chitrabahar on the previous line and you will be transported there directly.

From:P.Avinash:(Richmond, Va, USA)

As seen in a Newspaper Classified Ad.

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

BANGALORE, JULY 2. Work at various police stations in the City has been badly hit during the last few weeks as a large number of police officers, who are expecting transfers, are reportedly not evincing much interest in work.

Many senior police officers who spoke to The Hindu admitted that work has been affected at many police stations from the time the "transfer season" started. "The policemen are not in the right frame of mind to work," the officers noted.

Ed Steelindia:  Good lord, with increasing cybersavviness, what happens now if the light fingured gentlemen (and of course ladies) of the great ' Silicon City" get to see this !!!!!
 
 

An extract from the Economic Times of 3rd July says:

No retrenchment in SAIL recast

THE GOVERNMENT has said that no employee of SAIL would be retrenched while hiving off non-core activities as part of business restructuring........
 

We have assured the employees associations at various steel plants that their interests would not be sacrificed while carrying out the business restructuring,steel minister Braja Kishore Tripathi said yesterday.

SAIL, which reported a net loss of over Rs 1,700 crore during 1999-2000, was given a rehabilitation package worth over Rs 8,400 crore and nod for business restructuring which included hiving off non-core activities.

SAIL is looking for a joint venture partner for hiving off power plants, oxygen and fertiliser plants besides selling majority stake in Salem steel plant and Indian Iron and Steel Company.

Mr Tripathi’s statement assumes significance as some of the employees’ unions did not allow visiting teams of NTPC to study some of the captive power plants owned by SAIL...........

Ed Steelindia: Tch Tch, What a glorious opprtunity lost !!!! At least one job could have been saved. No prizes for guessing who it might have been !!!
 
 

My consultant friend Rabri Prashad Sinha tells the following story to illustrate how he feels about a constantly nagging client of his:

A former friend of mine was married to a great gal;unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife's mother whowas a very cranky and spiteful person. In the morningwhen my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law wouldsneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If youdon't treat my daughter right when I die I'll dig up fromthe grave and haunt you!"

When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in-law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, "If youdon't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you. Alas, in the evening while having a well-deserved cocktail, my friend's mother-in-law would pop up from behind the bar and say, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you."

Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago and while having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was
feeling. He said, she isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!" I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat? He said, "Hell, no! I buried her face down; let her dig; I don't care!"

Perfection, thy name is Woman

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a
sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends
and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy,
explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and
once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they
start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this 
floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move
on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here
are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends
continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men
here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing
there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor,
the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women
get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one
floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth
floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was
built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

SAIL media campaign
 

NEW DELHI: Steel Authority of India Ltd (SAIL) has launched a new millennium special media campaign to hardsell its wide range of products.

An official release said the campaign aims at popularising SAIL's improved hot rolled coils produced by its Bokaro and Rourkela steel plants after modernisation.

A series of literature had been planned to promote SAIL as the `one-stop-shop' for mega industrial and construction projects, the release said. This scheme is expected to help expand SAIL's market share. -Our Bureau

Ed: Steelindia:

 Oops !! Is this the right place for this item or is it a Freudian slip ??!!
 

Bhattiwale ka laag book:

At Rourkela,  the three blast furnaces were named Lakshmi, Parvathi and Saraswathi. The four openhearth furnaces at SMS were designated A, B, C and D. Two GE s working at SMS decided to name these furnaces also as Anitha, Bina, Chaya and Deepa.  On one occasion, at the end of A shift, the operational log report positioning the furnace performances read as under:

1. Anitha delivered at 12 noon. (meaning heat was tapped). She is under dressing (meaning getting ready for raw material charging).
2. Bina is pregnant. Expects to deliver at around 6 P.M.
3. Chaya had abortion at 11 A.M. (meaning furnace was run out).
4. Deepa is sick and under nourishment (meaning furnace is down  for repairs)

No error ,this !!!

                STEEL Authority of India Ltd (SAIL) has set up an office of restructuring (OOR)
                at its corporate headquarters to facilitate coordination on all aspects of the
                detailed business restructuring exercise it is currently engaged in.

                The OOR, headed by Dr. Sanak Mishra, SAIL's Executive Director (Corporate
                Planning), will work under the guidance of the newly-appointed Director
               (Restructuring) at the board level, Mr. M.K. Moitra.

                The MoU on restructuring signed between the Ministry of Steel and SAIL in
                March this year had envisaged the setting up of the OOR to closely monitor
                and review all restructuring initiatives before June 30.

Ed, Steelindia: No this ain't no joke. We were just wondering whether it would not have been more appropriate to set up an office of " Destructuring", rather than " restructuring " !!

The art of salesmanship
 
 

CONGRATS !!! BENGAL TOPS LIST

Study  finds Bengal tops in labour strife

 EXTRACT from ET (9.6.2000)
 

Labour trouble is costing the country dearly. Industrial production worth a whopping Rs 923 Cr was lost during 1999 on accountof strikes and lockouts in various parts of the country.

Of this West Bengal recorded the maximum casualities with 180 instances of lockouts and strikes,compatered to 137 in the pevious yearaccording to an analysis of the Industrial relations climate in the country one by Assocham. The production loss this year was Rs 229 Cr higher than the previous year's Rs 694 Cr.

The rest of the honors list reads as follows:

Tamil nadu:   143 cases
Andhra:       113 cases
UP:            30  cases
RAJASTHAN     28  cases

When will we ever learn ??

Unlike SAIL where a person can continue in a post and even get promoted irrespective of his performance, many private sector units have a hire and fire policy ,at least at the highest levels !!:):) In one such firm , the sacked Chairman gave his successor three envelopes  asking him to open one, every six months !! Well , the new incumbent could hardly wait and opened the first envelope immediately. The slip inside read, "Start reorganising everything and every body". That is exactly what he did. Six months later, the performance was still as before and did not show any signs of improvement. " Time to open the second envelope", thought the new man and again, that is precisely what he did. This time the slip read, " Start blaming your predecessor, ala SAIL". This did not help either !! Six more months  passed and the new guy, now one year into the job, opened the third and last envelope. It read in bold red letters, " Start preparing three  envelopes!! "

From: R.C.Sharma,USA(sharma@gdls.com)

Inlaws,Outlaws and more laws!!!

* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem
   can be overcome given enough time and money.
   Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

   * Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your
   husband to pick up five items at the store and then
   you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget
   two of the first five.

   * Law of the Search: The first place to look for
   anything is the last place you would expect to find
   it.
   Corollary: It will not be in the last place you
   expect to find it.

  * Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less
   important you are to the corporation, the more your
   tardiness or absence is noticed.

   * The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large
   enough to increase your taxes and just small enough
   to have no effect on your take-home pay.

   * Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers
   everything except what happens.

   * First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing
   what you always wanted to be doing, you
   will want to be doing something else.

   * Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers,
   only cross-references.

   * Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that
   starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that
   starts out soft will harden when stale.

   * Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the
   most consistent repair or replacement will be housed
   in the most inaccessible location.

   * Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two
   possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick
   the wrong one.
   Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name,
   you will spell it wrong anyway.

   * The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to
   eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the
   bottom of the grocery bag.

     * Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work
   late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work
   early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

Akbar, the Just

We had a story of Akbar Badshah to describe the fate of young junior engineers who did all the slogging but the bosses got all the credit. The story went like this:

Akbar once had a maha stomach ache. He tried all doctors,hakims, Vaidyas and what have u but the stomach ache would not go. He suggested to Birbal that since he was any way condemned to die, he might as well listen to some music and breathe his last in a comforting ambiance. Great renowned artistes were summoned and played to their best ability. Nothing happened till at last an obsure flute player from some village near Agra played a beautiful piece on his flute. Lo and behold ! the pain vanished. In the crowded darbar hall, no one knew who exactly the flautist was. Akbar , the ever fair-minded was in a quandary till the great Birbal suggested that whatever instruments the artistes had bought should be filled up with gold coins. The Tabla player, the Sitar player carried away huge riches whereas, the flute player got Zilch as there was no way they could fill the
flute !!An year later, the great Akbar had  the same stomach ache once again.. This time he just summoned all the players of the preceding year to come and perform in his darbar. No one succeeded. Not even the flute player because he was completely disheartened by the measly treatment he got the previous year !! Akbar was furious and told his Commander to " Stick whatever instruments they had bought up their 'U-Know-What' ".There was no way the Royal command could be carried out in the case of the players of large instruments but as far as the flute player was concerned,....ahah..that was, well...... The young engineers in all SAIL plants came to be known as the " Bansuri walas" ever since !!:):)

Or, there was the other time when Mr Solveen of the German Governamnet visited Rourkela in the early Sixties. He asked Mr Bajekal , the then General Superintendent of RSP, " How many people work in RSP ?"  Pat came the reply, " Very Few" !

It is uncharitable to say that in some of our venerable organisations, the employees are of only two types, Tired or Retired

From Avinash Pandrinath(avinash_p_nath@hotmail.com)

We had a very quiet Senior Engineer,SKC in our Design Organisation who was a metallurgist by Jaath !! He was tired of the endless jabs the Mechanical and Civil guys  used to make at the metallurgical engineers like, " Metallurgists can not count beyond ten" , " For a metallurgist, a 'coupling'  is a pornographic term"  and so on, tilluld stand it no longer !! One day there was a discussion as to what kind of an engineer God was who made such a wonderful machine called the human body. Came the gem from SKC, " God can only be a civil engineer, who else would have placed the waste disposal plant and the recreational  area so close together ?" That shut up the Civil and mechanical wise guys for a long time to come.

When steel making by LD process was introduced at RSP (first time in the country), in 1960, many of our colleagues were not aware of what "LD " stood for. The first Supt of LD shop was Mr Doreswamy Iyengar. His wife was a very charming lady , Lalitha. So as far as the Rourkela guys were concerned the LD process was more popularly known as  as "Lalitha Doreswamy " process. (Incidentally, LD stands for Linz-Donawitz, the names of two towns in Austria where the LD or BOF process was first invented by Voest Alpine)

(Sadly , Mr Doreswamy Iyengar is no more. We hope his wife Lalitha sees this amusing snippet....
Ed Steelindia)

The Birthday Gift

Our public sector has a knack of finding the most lop sided of alternatives for "improving" itself like the man in the following story !!:):)
 

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's
60th birthday.  During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because
they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them
one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten
to see the world.  I wish we could travel all over the world."  The fairy
waved her wand and POOF!  She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn.  He paused for a moment, and then said,
"Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF!  He was 90.

We had a colleague Mr Kanitkar working in Blast Furnace dept, under Mr Ramaswamy, the Supt. of the dept. One day Mr R ordered that K should avail his weekly "off" day on Thursdays. K obeyed the orders. Over a period of time, Mr. R met our K and desired to know as to why he is absenting himself on Sundays. Pat came the reply," Sir, Thursday is "off day given by you. And Sunday is my regular off day."

We have a new 24 hour English news channel in Bangalore from today. The most interesting item of news was that in the first six months of 1999 alone, 10,000 people had been murdered in Bihar, UP and Madhya Pradesh. Will you guys now stop cribbing that these states are not doing anything  to control the population of Bharat mera mahan ??